Page 18 - Discover WINTER 2022

Here's Your SIGN CONTINUED
DON’T SEE ANY COPS, or EXCEPT
REALLY COOL, FANCY AND/OR
FAST CARS.
Some signs can in fact be helpful, but
often to the wrong people. For example:
DRUG FREE SCHOOL ZONE. This is
a tremendous aid to pushers, who can now
instantly identify choice areas for marketing
their products. By the same token, GUN
FREE ZONE directs violent criminals to
safe havens full of unarmed potential victims.
You gotta love the people who come up with
these signs.
Some signs are so ridiculous that
most people ignore them. We’ve all seen the
Braille buttons in the elevator, mandated
by well-meaning folks who carried this
to the ridiculous extreme of insisting that
they also be used on ATMs. You know,
those machines that will ask questions on
a video screen, that you answer by pressing
the buttons? D’OH! What’s wrong with
this picture? Don’t forget to count your
cash… but the highlight of this experience
is the Braille buttons on the DRIVE
THRU ATM. No wonder they put those
big concrete-filled posts in front of those
machines.
I’ve seen signs that reek of futility. NO
DRIVING ON SIDEWALK – anyone with
common sense knows that it’s just wrong.
Let’s face it: anyone who would do that is
not going to be stopped by some idiot who
16 Discover Smith Mountain Lake WINTER 2021
put up a sign. The NO SMOKING signs on
gas pumps also make me sigh, because I’m
guessing that the people who would consider
doing so probably can’t read the sign anyway.
Restaurants are now required to post
signs in their rest rooms: EMPLOYEES
MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE
RETURNING TO WORK… how’s that
for a confidence builder? The guy who will
be preparing my meal has to be told to wash
his hands after going to the bathroom. That’s
right up there with the warning labels on
curling irons: FOR EXTERNAL USE
ONLY… on packets of silica gel: DO NOT
EAT… and on sleep aids: WARNING:
MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. Of course,
in these cases, this speaks less to the stupidity
of the manufacturer, and more to that of the
end user.
My all-time favorite sign has to be one
that I saw back in the mid-70’s on a quiet side
street in Port Jefferson, on Long Island. I was
strolling down the streets of that quaint little
seaside hamlet with my girlfriend at the time,
who was on a mission to take photographs for
a school project. She spotted a historic church
that looked like a promising subject. As we
drew near, I spotted a sign alongside the
curb, in official format, and bearing the logo
of the municipality: THOU SHALT NOT
PARK HERE.