WHAT’S
YOUR
SIGN?
I’m not a big fan of signs. While
some do serve a useful purpose,
many serve only to call attention to
the obvious. One of my favorites is
SLIPPERY WHEN WET. Really,
aren’t most things? I mean, it’s not true
for socks, but water slides, bath tubs,
and tile floors have taught us this, no?
Some signs are useless for different
reasons. EMPLOYEES ONLY comes
to mind. Some may heed it, but for
many, it seems to be perceived as a
dare. The same may be said for NO
PUBLIC RESTROOM, PLEASE
TAKE ONLY ONE, and 12 ITEMS
OR LESS.
Thenwehave signs that are confusing
as to their purpose. We see these in the
windows of vehicles quite often. BABY
ON BOARD. What is the purpose of
this sign? Is it to announce to the world
that one is fertile? Do infertile people
find this insulting? I’m sure that some
helpful person might suggest that it is a
by Tim Ernandes
Nothing says “What on Earth
PossessedYou to Spend Money
and Time Putting That Ridiculous
Sign onYour Car?” quite like
CAUTION: SHOW DOGS.
safety warning. Sorry, I’m still confused.
Does this baby pose a threat to me
and my vehicle? No, they may say, it’s
to make you aware that the vehicle
has a baby in it, so that you exercise
appropriate caution.
What is the appropriate caution to
observe with respect to such a vehicle?
Don’t ram into it? Don’t run it off the
road? Don’t sideswipe it? Should I feel
cheated if I fail to endanger that vehicle
and its occupants, only to learn later
that there was no baby on board, and
they just forgot to take down the sign?
Nothing says “What on Earth
Possessed You to Spend Money and
Time Putting That Ridiculous Sign
on Your Car?” quite like CAUTION:
SHOW DOGS. I don’t get it. Should
I fear these animals? Is there inherent
danger in not being aware that A) they
are show dogs and B) they are present
in this particular vehicle? Are the dogs
driving? Is that one of their talents? Is
this yet another safety warning?Thanks
for the tip.
A close relative of these signs is
the bumper sticker. One of the most
counterproductive of these is the one
that says, in small print, IF YOU CAN
READ THIS, YOU ARE DRIVING
TOO CLOSE. Am I the only one
who is worried that this will encourage
people to follow too closely, in order to
find out what it says? (For the record, I
read it at a stop light).
One of my favorite bumper stickers
is the one that says, I SMOKE AND
I VOTE. I’d like to see one that says
I SPIT AND I CROCHET. In my
book, it’s just as relevant. Although I
must say, such a bumper sticker (the
former) might be a way for the driver’s
nasty habit to irritate people in new
and exciting ways. Come to think of it,
that works for the latter as well.
I once saw a bumper sticker that
has befuddled me to this day. It said:
HUNGRY? EAT YOUR IMPORT. It
was on the rear bumper of a Toyota. I
didn’t notice any teeth marks.
Another road sign that makes me
wonder is PASS WITH CARE.When
is it advisable to pass without care? I
once knew someone who saw a sign
that said WATCH FOR FALLING
ROCKS. He looked up. He didn’t see
any. He also didn’t see the SUV that he
subsequently rear-ended.
Speed Limit signs are another issue
altogether. You know, the ones that say,
SPEED LIMIT 65 or whatever. The
educated driver knows that they are
subject to interpretation. There is not
enough room on the sign for them to
write UNLESS YOU DON’T SEE
ANY COPS, or EXCEPT REALLY
COOL, FANCY AND/OR FAST
CARS.
Some signs can in fact be helpful,
but often to the wrong people. For
example: DRUG FREE SCHOOL
ZONE. This is a tremendous aid to
pushers, who can now instantly identify
choice areas for marketing their
products. By the same token, GUN
FREE ZONE directs violent criminals
to safe havens full of unarmed potential
victims. You gotta love the people who
come up with these signs.
Some signs are so ridiculous that
most people ignore them. We’ve all
seen the Braille buttons in the elevator,
mandated by well-meaning folks who
carried this to the ridiculous extreme
of insisting that they also be used on
ATMs. You know, those machines
that will ask questions on a video
screen, that you answer by pressing
the buttons? D’OH! What’s wrong
with this picture? Don’t forget to count
your cash… but the highlight of this
experience is the Braille buttons on
the DRIVE THRU ATM. No wonder
they put those big concrete-filled posts
in front of those machines.
I’ve seen signs that reek of futility.
NO DRIVING ON SIDEWALK
–
anyone with common sense knows
that it’s just wrong. Let’s face it: anyone
who would do that is not going to be
stopped by some idiot who put up a
sign.The NO SMOKING signs on gas
pumps also make me sigh, because I’m
guessing that the people who would
consider doing so probably can’t read
the sign anyway.
Restaurants are now required
to post signs in their rest rooms:
EMPLOYEES
MUST
WASH
HANDS BEFORE RETURNING
TO WORK… how’s that for a
confidence builder? The guy who will
be preparing my meal has to be told
to wash his hands after going to the
bathroom. That’s right up there with
the warning labels on curling irons:
FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY… on
packets of silica gel: DO NOT EAT…
and on sleep aids: WARNING: MAY
CAUSE DROWSINESS. Of course,
in these cases, this speaks less to the
stupidity of the manufacturer, and more
to that of the end user.
My all-time favorite sign has to be
one that I saw back in the mid-70’s
on a quiet side street in Port Jefferson,
on Long Island. I was strolling down
the streets of that quaint little seaside
hamlet with my girlfriend at the
time, who was on a mission to take
photographs for a school project. She
spotted a historic church that looked
like a promising subject. As we drew
near, I spotted a sign alongside the curb,
in official format, and bearing the logo
of the municipality: THOU SHALT
NOT PARK HERE.
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